When a man’s wallet needs a woman’s touch

Imagine this scenario. A woman is being wooed by a collection of men at a dinner table, each trying to outbid the other for her affections. As they talk, they begin to realize that this particular wench is high maintenance. She yachts on weekends and climbs mountains the weekends after.

She casually says things like, “For a few hundred dollars, you can have the most splendid time”.

In Uganda, after an hour, the number of men wooing her would have dropped to half. After ten minutes, more would have slunk away. David is one of the few who would have stayed, grinning from ear to ear.

My friend David is an accountant and doesn’t make a lot of money. But his interest is peaked the second he knows a woman makes more than twice his income. In fact, the higher the better.

I’m going to tell you about how David, through a potentially emasculating experience, turned into the one broke nigga that has no qualms about staying on that dinner table, wooing that fithy rich madam.

It started because he did not really know what he was doing when his little sister came in from outside countries and he offered to take her and her four visiting friends out for a night. He was aiming to get at least a phone number from one of these four girls, with no particular preference. Get in on some of that ‘outside countries’ female action.

He had heard a lot about this place called Equator bar in Sheraton. He told the girls to put on their mini-skirts and high heels coz he was taking them out on the town, baby.

My poor accountant David did not know that Equator restaurant is for Ugandans that carry Mzungu wallets. He had exactly 70,000 shillings in his pockets when he proudly drove into the Sheraton parking lot and handed his keys over for valet service.

5,000 shillings down.

“Nice place”, he thought as they entered. “Let’s spend about two hours here, then we shall go to Kisementi and try out another new place”.

“Ladies” he put his arms around the girls as he swaggered through the doors. “Let’s drink!”

After the hour had elapsed, he called their waiter over and handed him a 50,000 shilling note. After a pause of a few seconds, the waiter coughed discreetly.

“You have a balance of 15,000 shillings, sir”. His last shilling!

David stopped having fun on the spot.

“I don’t like this place”, he begun to mutter, when the girls asked for more drinks. “I want to go”.

“That’s your problem!” his sister said. “We’re here to party. Waiter-more drinks!”

As the night wore on, David grew desperate.

“I swear I’m not feeling well”, he whined to his sister. “I want to go. Also, you girls over drink. I’m not financing careless drinking. I want to go now!”

“Hell, no!” his sister said. “What’s your problem?”

He confessed his predicament, and his sister laughed.

“It’s okay”, she said. “I’ve got us covered the rest of the night. Have a drink!”

That was the first time in his life that David had a good time on a woman’s tab.

He decided he liked it.

broke edit

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