I think I quite like Russians

Late last year, two friends and I had gone to Lugogo Mall to purchase items at Game Supermarket. As it was near Christmas time, parking space was naturally an issue. You know when you queue at the gate for 25 minutes so you finally enter to wander around, heart in your mouth, telling God you’ll never drink again if He gives you a parking space? That bad it was.

Luckily, the god of concrete loved us and we saw a car pulling out of a space. We waited patiently as per the behaviour of enlightened people. But just as the car pulled out, another car proceeded to rush into our space. Enraged, our driver John stuck his head out and yelled.

“Hey! Don’t go there. We were here first!”

We had blocked them just a little but they still had the advantage. We spent thirty seconds glaring at each other. The other car refused to back out. John stuck his head out again.

“I swear if you take our space we shall block you!”

“Haha”, the two men in the other car laughed. “Go ahead and block!”

We were the clear losers. Spitting curses, John let them take the space. As John reversed that extra inch, I opened my car door, slammed it and strode in a huff towards the drivers’ side of the vehicle.

“What the hell, man?” I yelled pointlessly. “I mean, what the hell?!”

The driver smiled benignly as he turned his engine off.

“People like you are the reason we have corruption in Uganda!” I shrilled pointlessly louder. “Why do you think you deserved this space more than us when we bloody WAITED for it?”

He grinned at me. I degenerated.

“What are you showing me your teeth for?”, I yodelled. “Put them back in your bleeding mouth, you corrupt COW!”

Becoming rather alarmed now, he hurriedly rolled his window up to drown out my honestly unnecessary curses. It’s not like we were going to get our parking space back.

With steam still blowing out of my ears, I was walking back to my friends when a white man two cars away called out to me. He looked furious. So furious in fact that I panicked I may have offended him telepathically – until he spoke to me with a thick Russian accent:

“If you want, madam”, he graciously offered. “Say the word and I shall beat them for you”.


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