Where’s this fairy godmother at?

I loved watching Cinderella as a child. I loved the idea that even if I was an unwanted, un loved, unappreciated vagrant of a servant there existed a fairy godmother who would one day come and make all my dreams come true. When I was a young girl, those dreams involved giving me a nice pair of clothes and making me look real pretty for a Prince Charming whose face is is so irrelevant no one knows what it looks like.

cinderella

Coz life would be all about me, you jealous things

But honestly I’m starting to worry. I’m 33 years old and this godmother ain’t showing her face. I’ve passed the stage of wanting to be pretty, I’ve passed the stage of wanting a Prince Charming, I’ve even passed the stage of wanting other women to be jealous of me.

I need me some real shit. Fairy godmother; I know you’re old and have been napping but you need to come down here and make my dreams come true before my teeth fall out. You will find that my priorities have changed so you won’t find me sobbing in a bush. You’ll find me in a corporate boardroom working on a pitch to get someone to buy my latest brand of hair follicles. Our conversation may go somewhat like this.

Fairy godmother.jpeg

Lindsey! I’m so sorry I’m late. Now, what can we do about your clothes? 

Lindsey: Screw the clothes woman. I need you to give me the midas touch.

Fairy Godmother: Not a problem. Everything you want will turn into gold until midnight.

Lindsey: Madam, be serious. I want a permanent midas touch. I hustle the streets every day. The touch is needed paka last.

Fairy Godmother: But why can’t I give you a nice dress and carriage like in the good old days so the prince can think you’re in his league and want to marry you?

Lindsey: Princes, bah! I’ve been through dozens of the damn things. I want the money the princes have.

Fairy Godmother: Oh dear!

Lindsey: You can still give me the carriage if it’s big and impresses people so the midas touch is more effective.

Fairy Godmother: I’m afraid my skills are limited to romance, my precious. Don’t you want to give it another try dear?

gmom-1

I don’t think you’re listening to me

Fairy Godmother: Humph! Well, there is this lady called Lakshmi. I hear she’s the Hindu goddess of wealth, health, fortune and prosperity. But those things are fleeting my dear. True happiness lies in-

Lindsey: Lakshmi you say?

lakshmi.jpg

What’s your number, old friend?

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