I remember the first time I saw the new bottle of my favourite Club beer on a billboard, but smaller in size – 350ml instead of the usual 500ml.
“Oh, that’s nice”, thought I. “People who want can now enjoy a smaller Club, keep it cold longer and save money”.
One evening, I was in a bar along Acacia Avenue when I asked to drink my lovely Club. As the waiter returned toward me, I felt uneasiness in my heart. He was coming with the smaller bottle. Had I asked for the smaller version? Didn’t they have the regular size? I had not planned to be economical.
I was stupid enough to not stop him when he popped it open for me.
“Excuse me, Sir”, I asked as he placed it in front of me. “How much is this smaller bottle?”
“Seven thousand shillings”, he said.
Someone save me from thieves dressed up as establishments.
“And how much is that Nile bottle my friend is drinking?”, I asked.
“Seven thousand shillings”, he repeated.
“And how much is the regular Club bottle?”. I was struggling not to smash the small one in front of me to smithereens.
“We don’t sell the regular bottle here”, he said.
“Let me get this straight”, I begun. “You’re selling me a 350ml Club for the price of a 500ml Nile when I can go next door and get a 500ml Club cheaper? Do you think I would have ordered this drink if I’d known you guys assume Club drinkers are sad alcoholics willing to pay more than double the retail price for the volume of a soda?”
“You can talk to the manager”.
The manager told me that his bar specializes to a special class of people who don’t understand mathematics and if I didn’t like their pricing I could go to a bar fit for my level of Einstein-ity.
I pride myself on not being a brainwashed elitist so I never went back. But the memory was evoked when I went to another bar recently and (hello!) paid once more, seven thousand shillings for the monstrosity in this picture.
This piece was published in the Daily Monitor and Club’s brand manager was kind enough to send me an email expressing condolences for all Club drinker sufferers who are thus fleeced. He’s also the one who told me they call this smaller version ‘Shorty’.
Totally cool name. I’ll stick with Biggie for now!