You almost had me, bitch.

I disliked Nicki Minaj before I even saw what she looked like. I remember I was in a car, and heard what I thought was a sick chipmunk cackling on the radio.

“Who the hell is this now?” I asked my driver.

“You don’t know Minaj?” The word ‘loser’ was stamped on my forehead. “She is the hottest new female rapper on the scene!”

I did not believe this and trained my brain to tune out anything Minaji. It was only when I heard that she was hating on my girl Eve (mbu she was better) that I begun to worry that Minaj might actually stick around.


Don’t panic, sistah. She won’t stick around long.

She stuck around.

It’s her make-up that got me the most. The foundation, the lipstick, the enormous eyelashes. How long, I wondered, does it take her to put on her FACE in the morning?


Don’t you hate on me, loser who didn’t know who I was.

A couple of days ago, I decided to put my personal feelings aside, and watch her provocative music video Anaconda. Eh Mama. Say it with me.

Eh. Mama.

I was in love. A collection of women just hanging out, being hot and scantily dressed? Classy!

I mean, see how it started. Look!


Then Minaj did something with her bum that I don’t think there is a word for. So I shall make one up. We shall call it the bumrollity.


Roll it baby. Roll it! 

Then she showed us you don’t have to be completely naked to do the bumrollity.


Hint it, baby. Hint it!

So there was a hint of some girl on girl action.


Which my good friend Nicki confirmed here.


Life is good, la di da

Everything was going swimmingly until this fuckwad entered the picture.


 A man sitting on a chair as a woman turns herself into a sex object for him

My enthusiasm evaporated. Finished. Kapish. Minaj ended the matter with the godawful stupid words coming out of her mouth.

“Oh yeah, he likes this fat ass. Oooh I gooottt a ffffaaaatttt assssss. Skinny bitches blah blah. I hate all y’all skinny bitches blah blah. FFFAAAATTTT ASSSSSS!”

You traitor. Never to give you another chance. Also-by the way-it may not be the size of an elephant’s, but I have a GREAT ass.

Pictures coming later.

1 thought on “You almost had me, bitch.”

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