I was already late for work because I’d spent a whole hour trying to gather the energy to have a cold shower. Rich people problems to be relayed in a separate upcoming post entitled “The hour I tried to shower”.
So. After all that trauma, I ended up in one of these taxis that are a special breed of illegal to traffic policemen.
When my stop came around, they refused to let me go as there was a traffic cop standing there that the driver and conductor wanted to avoid. Fine. I got that. They were missing some documents. I could wait a few more meters.
Only that every few meters, a cop was present.
No problem, I told myself as I was driven a whole ten minutes away for depositing. We’re all hustlers. I felt their pain. When the taxi finally stopped at a legitimate and cop-less stage, the conductor snapped at me (strangely enough) in English.
“If you’re getting out, hurry!”
Oh, marvelous. You see, there is a line in the series The Office, that I have wanted to use for a very long time. After many months of patience, I could see that the time had come to work around to it!
Now these taxi guys do this ‘get out quickly’ nonsense all the time anyway. When it comes to picking you up, and driving you around to avoid traffic cops, they’re perfectly patient doves.
But once they’ve gotten your money in their hand, they are then quick to bark at you about getting out of their taxi right quick. Sometimes, they will start to drive away while you have one foot still inside to give you a hint.
I usually let it slide. But today, you see, they had inconvenienced me greatly. And here this uppity negro was barking at moi to leave his taxi?(I had to use that line)
“Excuuuuuuuse me?!” I asked him. If there was space, I’d have done the Zorro snap.
“Get out!” he elaborated. I sat more firmly. (I was going to get the chance to use that line!)
“Are you crazy?” I asked him. “You’ve driven me ten minutes away because you don’t have your licenses or whatever, and you’re snapping at ME?!”
“Obadechi banange (what’s your problem)?” he now wailed. “Vaamu taxi wange(get out of my taxi)!”
Wooooweeee! The time was nigh!
“My problem is your bad manners”, I retorted. “How dare you try to throw me out with such disrespect after what you’ve put me through?”
I paused for breath before (finally!) using that line:
“Have you lost your mind? Because I’ll help you find it!”
Everyone in the taxi then stared at me in wonder as I started to laugh happily before getting out of the taxi.