Because I do not want to get these nice men in trouble by identifying their workplaces, I shall deliberately conceal the exact location of where this incident occurred. It’s going to be tricky, but let’s see.
It was in a taxi. I know. Me and the taxi stories. Be patient. You’ll like this one.
This taxi conductor lied to me when he told me he could take me where I wanted to go. Instead, he took me half way the distance. I had given him Shs 1000 and was expecting Shs 500 back. The heifer refused.
“No matter where you stop, the journey is Shs 1000”, he said.
“First of all, it isn’t”, I corrected him. “It’s not rush hour for that nonsense to apply. Second of all, you looked me right in the eye, and told me you would stop me where I wanted to go. Now I’m going to have to use another Shs 500 to get there. Give me my balance!”
“Eh, you think you can shout at me here?” he said. “Kaale. Driver, tugende!”
The conductor closed the door and, deaf to the entreaties of the other passengers in the taxi on my behalf, the driver drove on to their final destination, and deposited me in a taxi park.
“Now you walk back”, they laughed, as they drove off.
If I were a superhero at that moment, my name would have been Inferno. The rage started in my toes and swirled all the way to the tips of my hair. I had noted down their license plate number and was determined to get my revenge.
I happened to be late for a meeting, but as far as I was concerned, I was on a quest for something more important: some motherfucking justice.
I approached the nearest police station and narrated my ordeal. I was, in all honesty, very surprised at what happened next. I’ll call these two cops Hero and Awesome.
“But these taxi men and their kamanyiro!” Hero sounded more pissed than I was. “Gwe Awesome, come and we talk about how to deal with these people”.
I hovered nearby as they spoke in hushed tones.
“But what law shall we say they broke?” Awesome asked.
“We’ll say they broke Section 2 under Article 15 of the traffic penal code”, Hero responded.
“But what is that one? Does it exist?” Awesome was as baffled as I was.
“Meh, who cares? What can they say? Do they know the law? Us, we are the law. Let’s use that one!”
“Okay”, Awesome said. “Erm, Section 2, Section 2…mpozi it was Article what?”
“Section 2 under Article 15 of the traffic penal code” Hero obliged. They spent some time memorizing it, and ordered me to follow them. I felt my case was in good hands, and my spirits lifted as we trotted to the offices of the taxi park management.
After being told what the problem was, the manager in charge (we’ll call him Sorry) was understandably furious.
“How is that my problem?” he snapped. “Am I responsible for what these taxi men do? I don’t even know this plate number. It’s not supposed to use this park”.
“Tough”, was Awesome’s general response. “Maybe you need to have better security. All we know is these thieves were allowed to access this taxi park, and drop this girl here. You deal with the matter now, and you can look for them later on your own time”.
“Me, deal with the matter now?” Sorry’s eyes were as wide as saucers. “How?”
Hero’s face was as serious as Robocop’s when he replied: “Refund her transport”.
Sorry stared at them in total shock. When their faces begun to take on a menacing look, he cursed and dug around in his pockets. He handed me Shs 1000.
I begun to worry. This was not the kind of justice I had in mind. I wanted those taxi men delivered to me in handcuffs. I wanted them on their knees begging me not to press charges. I wanted them to PAY, motherfucker!
Hero went one better.
“Who are you giving Shs 1000?” he snapped.
“Isn’t that how much she needs to get back to her destination?” Sorry was, once again, understandably curious. Awesome explained matters to him more clearly.
“This girl has suffered severe emotional distress. How do you expect her to trust another taxi after what she has been through? Heh?! She needs to take a boda”.
There was another two minutes of furious eyeballing between Sorry and the two cops.
“And how much will this boda cost?” he had the sense to ask. I couldn’t believe what was happening.
“Ten thousand shillings”, Hero said.
“Ten thousands shillings!” Sorry exploded. “It’s three thousand, maximum!”
“It seems you do not understand what’s happening here”, Awesome interjected. “We know that you let hooligans use this taxi park. Going around kidnapping young girls and stealing their money. This can become a more complicated affair than a transport refund. Do you understand?”
Hero added quickly: “The law has been broken here. Section 2 under Article 15 of the traffic penal code”.
Sorry understood. He gave me Shs 10,000. Hero and Awesome, satisfied, patted me on the shoulder and escorted me to a safe boda stage. They waved benignly as I rolled away.