I started thinking about this when I read a facebook post by a very puzzled young man. He was asking ladies this question:
“When you shake your bums very hard, do they pain?”
I giggled at his naivete. Then I realized the man had a point. How is he to know what a jiggling bottom feels like? (And I’m afraid I cannot answer his question as I do not have a jiggling bottom you see. The bum of a white woman, sadly).
So I begun to think about the jiggling bottoms that I have come across. I have seen two fantastic ones in my life.
The first time was in church of all places. I was with a British friend of mine, a seventeen year old. The choir became over-excited in their praising the lord, and this teenage girl got up and just let loose. Like, totally. I kid you not that her bum became two separate…footballs.
One went up to the right, and the second went down to the left. Then they came back together. Then they rolled and undulated. And started the pattern again. I kid you not again that the Briton asked me concernedly, “Is her bum all right?!”
The second time was at a swimming pool and several accidents almost occurred because of this one. A very well known female writer (not me, obviously. I’m not well known) was the cause of the furor. I had always considered her to be a normal human being until she took off her towel and begun to casually stroll towards the pool in her bikini.
Eh. Banange. Let me terro you.
The behind was ample. It was covered in pretty little dimples. The bikini made sure as much of it was exposed as possible. And so the two globes that were her buttocks reveled in their freedom and said, “Also us, let us sunbathe before she enters the pool”.
The only thing to say is they started to dance. They looked like they were made from a mixture of soft down weathers soaked lovingly in water for sever days.
I thought hard about my white bum and decided to first sit down until she had spent some time in the water. Looking around confirmed the wisdom of my decision. Let me just say the men were not in a good state.
I shall finish with a hilarious story by a male friend of mine when he was in a taxi once. He saw a woman with seriously rolling buttocks and he and all the men in the taxi swivelled their heads as one. He thanked his lucky stars there was traffic jam so they were moving at the same pace as the woman.
Then he noticed a man walking behind the unsuspecting female, unaware that her bum was flirting with him as she briskly minded her own business. The man decided staring would just not do. He tentatively put out his palm and groped what he could of her behind.
Naturally she slapped him etc.
The things a jiggling bottom will make men do. Although in Africa, the correct term would not be jiggling bottoms. That’s for Bazungu. The correct term here would be rolling buttocks.